When I was nine years old, I strolled from the house where I lived, walking several blocks until I reached a corner park with a bench. The few steps took ten minutes or so and, in that time, I trained my mind to go distant for weathering hurt, painful life that I did not have the inner resources to experience. So, I checked out. This way to disassociate was helpful then and grateful I will ever remain for all my skills to survive. More than a few times I looked over at the bench wishing to sit and rest, yet my originating hurt kept me going in perpetual motion, an inner restlessness that I now have clear, healing tools for, a way to cultivate easygoing throughout the daily day.

When I graduated a year later into being ten years old, I realized I didn’t need to check out and barreled full momentum into the world—mostly fueled on anger and a thin arrogance as wall to fend off feeling vulnerable. In sobriety circles we call this living on insecure egomaniac fumes. Most addiction temperaments run on these interior two-cycle states. Now that I have earned sixty years old a few days ago, I can go crystal clarity while seeing my young girl self, walking through a pine tree corner park and a sense of peace I found in nature. Recovery brings us back to our best self and I still have this serenity in nature sensibility. Most of us do.

Also at ten years old, I accepted that the world was bizarrely cruel. Most kids intuitively see hypocrisy in adult lectures to do as I say rather than act as I do, the gap between an adult’s action and words going unexplained. Beyond being a familiar girl, scrappy as all hell because how else to go forward, I began at the very start with an addiction temperament on a main axiom: the world is against me. Thus, I am a victim; I took all the difficult personally, a perspective to motivate and to limit my life.

Blessings on my 60 years achieved because I was finally in the office when the memo arrived. Life happens and in the big picture ain’t nothin’ personal about the flow. Random, yes. For example, many people around the world live in agonizingly difficult and random circumstances. Also true that for a majority, still, each one of us has an agency to reflect on life challenge and take spiritual action. We simply do. I had to change my myopic point of view that I was a victim and central to a new perspective has been forgiving random cruelty.

That early anger paired with feeling victim like (understandably so) influenced my own behaviors. More than a few times I mistreated others. Watching myself go there is where I have drawn the line over the last fifty singular years. Looking back lightly yet accurately over each one of them I see how they comprise five decades of doing the very best I could in any given moment. Choosing real sobriety finally happened because I didn’t want to drive a car drunk and potentially hurt someone else. Eventually I accepted that I had been willing to annihilate myself in the same car crash. Gradual willingness to bring my own radical self-care has been the best prep to maintain good relations with any sentient other: a tree, a canine, or a human.

A half hour ago I returned from taking a walk in Hawai’i nature, more mileage added to the few thousand miles I have logged while walking in various parks and nature environments from Stockholm to Bangkok to San Francisco. Over the years I have kept a beginner’s mind, a child-like wonder—not childish—and resilience that shows me how intuition for simply activity is solace. During a stroll this morning on a backroad in Kapa’au, I found solace. Warm sunshine graced my face, fresh air filled my lungs, and me in my lesbian woman confidence kicking up my heals in flip-flops and saying thanks for all that I have. Abundance pure and simple.

Having been gifted ample time to rest and to choose restorative health, each day feels like a new walking start. Early morning on February 2, what we call a belly-button birthday compared to sobriety birthday, I looked into the mirror and said I love you. Isn’t that the entire goal of a lifetime to achieve an easygoing in yourself? From this framework, I am humbly good to go for the rest of my life, one day at a time, one mindful moment after the next. Which brings a lemon cake into focus.

At the rural grocery store yesterday, I bought one box of Betty. She’s the one having been on shelves these last 100 years labeled Betty Crocker’s. Next to Betty are tropical lemons. Hawai’i fruit trees are sharing produce continually one season after the next. Three large lemons are resting on my kitchen counter, plenty to squeeze into the batter and grate the rind for texture. Even eggs are returning to grocery shelves. Appears the kitchen stars have aligned to prepare a fantastic bake-a-cake moment. Simply that fifty years of emotional disrupt might foil the recipe if I allow difficulty such power. I choose not.

Results are in that I am not a victim or a victimizer while accepting that intentional difficulty has been personal, after all. Standing in line to purchase a start on Betty’s lemon cake, I had to administer an order. “Take a few steps back and get out of my way so I can pay for my groceries,” I said firmly. The someone was an intentional obstacle and so I proceeded to clear the physical space through my intentional energy. This crystal-clear moment is modeling my path forward.

Results are also in that while admitting I am not a victim, I stay realistic how systemic obstacles stymie facing future. Clearly turning to face future days is the goal. Fifty years plus stumbling around in rection to intentional hurt in my life has some longevity. But my stumble has evolved into a rumble where I will show up kind, articulate, and apply boundaries most instantly. One book to teach me how is Braiding Sweetgrass, Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants (2013) because author Robin Wall Kimmerer—a PhD scientist, mother, and member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation—defines how to live in the future so clearly. “For all of us, becoming Indigenous to a place means living as if your children’s future mattered, to take care of the land as if our lives, both material and spiritual, depended on it.” Lucky I am for an intuitive sense since I was a young girl that walking in nature, and interacting with nature projects, is our best future.   

Naturing outdoors complements cooking indoors. For example, in one hour at the kitchen counter I will bring the lemon cake ingredients together. Just as every morning when I stir from sleep, I begin my waking moments with a recovery recipe: saying the serenity prayer, journaling some, reading meditations, and starting slowly with these conscious ingredients on my day's promise. Betty even writes her promise right on the box. “Betty Crocker encourages and empowers everyone—no matter their skill level, gender or age—to share in the joy of homemade.” How is that for a lively bake into the day? She’s not shy this Betty. “From Betty’s test kitchens to yours, we promise great taste, quality and convenience.” Optimistic I am and despite her promise, life difficulty continues because there always is some, the capital Truth is that none of us has any idea how the damn cake will turn out. Or this one day.

What about the energetic flow on this day, you continue asking? We have no control. Spiritual action we each of us have 100 percent empowerment for making thoughtful decisions based on your own specific life recipe. I’m reinventing what ingredients I bring to the table and tolerating intentional disrupt is not one of them. Those are tossed into the garbage one moment at a time. Next time we chat, I’ll let you know how well the recipe is going.